I watched onwards as the clay coating the bottom of the reservoir suctioned around my feet. The cool water lapped at my chin, gently reminding me that with every step forward I moved further into the deep. My fingers were wrapped firmly around Emily’s calves as she swayed above my shoulders, laughing and wrestling with the team across from us.
This was summer.
“C’mon, Daz! We can’t lose this one too!” She giggled, ruffling my damp, sun kissed hair.
“Hold on tight!” I yelled, releasing my arms from her legs, causing her to counterbalance and squeal. I thought she might have smacked me across the ear if she hadn’t had to clasp her arms around my head to keep herself from falling in the drink.
I grappled with Tommy, who was struggling to fight me and keep his new missus from getting her hair wet. She was a city-girl and had hardly wanted to come out bush, let alone get into the murky water of the reservoir. Tommy was doing an apprenticeship when he met her, and they had started going. I reckon he was with her for one thing, and it definitely wasn’t her brain. He’d told me to give her a chance, that she was just here for the weekend. When we arrived, she had pouted and tugged on the corner of Tommy’s shirt, making a scene saying she wasn’t getting in ‘that sewerage’. Tommy had gotten in without her, and like the sheep she was, she had followed meekly. It was the kind of behaviour that you made the mistake of showing once as a child, and your old man would have given you a good belting for it. I didn’t think this girl had even seen the backside of a wooden spoon in her life, if it wasn’t bein’ used to serve her dinner.
The wrestling felt good, it reminded me of when we were boys and would take the piss out of each other until someone took it too seriously. Dad always said a good punch on would sort it out. After we’d gotten our frustrations out, Mum would bring out the Dettol and clean our cuts. I watched as the cloth stained red with every dab. She used to look a bit pissed with Dad, but she never said a word against him. Now I was a man, though, and childish fights were something of the past.
Tommy got a good jab into the left side of my ribs and I nearly went tumbling, Em leant the opposite way to keep us upright and I managed a good shove back. Not expecting it, Tommy went down, and his new missus went with him.
I watched as Tommy’s girl squealed. It was Mum accidentally slamming our new kitten in the heavy fridge door all over again. I could only fantasise about this girl having to be put down, though. Dad had taken a swig of his bottle and stood up, his wooden chair scraping against the tired, scratched up floorboards. Red flush crept across his cheeks and his brows furrowed into a deep line. Mum was already distraught, holding the broken kitten like a baby as tears rolled down her cheeks. Once Dad had been on the drink he didn’t care, though. He’d marched over and yanked the mangled creature out of her arms.
“Can’t do nothin’ right, can ya?!” He’d screamed, one hand around the cats neck, one hand around Mum’s. “Give you ya stupid fuckin’ cat, and you kill it…” He drawled on, swinging the animal in the air.
I watched its little chest still rising and falling in tiny gasps, trying to hold on. It’s front legs were twisted grotesquely, and it was starting to twitch. Dad didn’t seem to notice. He had shoved mum hard against the fridge, her head slamming hard into the metal. Then he turned abruptly and stormed out the door.
I followed him out into the dry night air, not looking back to where I could still hear Mum’s broken sobs. Outside, the full view of the moon and stars lit the way for me. I watched as dad dropped the kitten onto the hard earth and raised the shovel over its head. I watched.
Black smudges pooled down Tommy’s girl’s cheeks as she yelled and carried on. Em was throwing her arms in the air and whooping her chants of victory. The noise was swimming around my head and I sucked in a deep breath, trying to force it out. I clutched at Em’s legs again and dropped us fully under water, drowning out all the noise. Enjoying only the sound of the gurgling water.
A hard kick broke me out of my peace, and I released my iron grip on Em’s legs and watched as she swam to the surface. I joined her, and the sun sparkled against the water droplets on my lashes as I broke the surface.
Em gasped breathlessly and splashed me in the face, hard. “Not cool!” She shouted, splashing some more.
I looked around and watched Tommy carrying his girl out of the water, the evening sun blaring down on them. His shoulders, pale from city life, had turned a light shade of pink. His girl was giggling as he planted hundreds of tiny kisses on her. Clearly, they’d made up.
“Sorry.” I smiled gently at Em, a peace offering. She rolled her eyes but did what I expected and smiled back. Instantly forgiven, I pulled her to me and planted a sloppy kiss on her soaked, mottled blonde head.
I used to think she was the one. We’d grown up together, swam in this same reservoir together time and time again. One time it was different. Tommy, me, and a few friends brought some of the local girls here to continue drinking after the pub closed. I’d seen a girl and had my eye on her, but she was more interested in a guy from the local piggery. I watched on as Em chatted to some other sheila and worked up the courage to talk to her. We kept talking, kept drinking, and we ended up doing more than that. Afterwards, we kept hanging out. I never really asked her to go with me, but she at some point we were together. The days of my youth were filled with hot, dry evenings and sweaty, wet limbs tangled together. It had been so long that it was just expected of us to stay together now. One day we’d be good parents and take our own little tykes to the res.
We went home. There was no point staying out there while Tommy was making it up to his girl, and I didn’t want to hear any more squeals from her. I wasn’t sure how he put up with it. Em and I had quietly pulled on our clothes and hadn’t bothered to say goodbye.
Em handed me another bottle and went back to the kitchen. “I’m starved!” I hollered out to her, clinking my fork against the chipped plate that had been handed down to me as a set from my parents, one of very few that wasn’t broken now. My face was beginning to warm, and I could feel the haze of the drink setting in.
“It’s nearly ready!” She called back, and I heard the frypan sizzle softly and then stop. Em came out of the kitchen holding the pan in one hand, and a pair of metal tongs in the other. She served the sausages, eggs, and tomato and then returned the pan to the kitchen.
“Sorry, it’s not much.” She sighed, “I forgot to get groceries because of Tommy’s surprise visit.”
I grunted into the hunk of sausage and tomato I was shovelling into my mouth. “Don’t blame Tommy for your own stupid mistakes.” I cut into the egg, my knife rasping along the pale porcelain.
“I wasn’t, hun, not like that. Don’t get all riled up.” She smiled sweetly, cutting into her apple on her side of the table.
I snorted, “Get riled up? You can’t be fucking serious, telling me not to get riled up when you can’t even cook a fucking egg right!” I screamed, pointing the hard yolk egg on the end of my fork at her. What was the point of keeping a stupid woman around if she couldn’t cook.
She sat very still, not even taking a bite of her apple. “Daz, come on…” She whispered.
“Don’t give me that! I’m not the bad guy here – all you had to do was get me fucking dinner. I work all week for you to treat me like shit!” I picked up the chipped plate and tossed it at her, I watched as she moved her head out of way just in time and the plate smashed against the wall. Her squeal rang through the otherwise silent house.
I stood up, my wooden chair scraping against the floorboards brazenly. “Now you’ve gone and smashed Mum’s good set! Is there anything you can do right?!” I yelled again, storming to her side and picking up the small knife she was using to cut the apple.
“Daz! Let’s just talk it out. We don’t want the neighbours to get the coppers involved again!” She pleaded; tears began to slide down her flushed cheeks.
I pointed the knife at her neck, “Don’t fucking tell me what to do! This is my house! You wanna be out on the street? Wanna be with the fuckin’ povos out there? Go ahead.” I spat in her face.
“Daz…” She started, swallowing back her tears and reaching up to wipe her face.
The back of my hand collided with her cheek and she fell from her chair, and I watched her sprawl haphazardly across the scraped up floor.
“Fine!” I hissed, “I’ll go. This house better be fucking spotless by the time I get home. Otherwise you’re gone, and no one will miss a cunt like you!” I turned on my heel and slammed the front door behind me, not looking back to see anymore crocodile tears.
I shakily started the ignition of the car, my anger boiling around and inside of me, ready to burst out again at any moment. I sucked a deep, rattled breath in, reminding myself it was her fault, not mine. The fog in my mind was tinted with red. I was going to drive anywhere but here, being around that stupid bitch was going to make me go insane. I should have left her when I had the chance.
Now we were going to be parents.
I tried to ignore it all day, I tried to enjoy the sparse time I had to spend with my best mate. I told her we’d keep it quiet for now, and she agreed. She told me it was still too early to tell anyone, anyway. I didn’t want a kid right now. I was barely making enough to pay off the house and support the two of us. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna let her go and work though, she’d probably hide her money and use it to run off with another bloke. I couldn’t have that. Dad always said that your woman was yours, you couldn’t let her think she had other options, or she’d use ‘em against you.
I accelerated down the dirt track, young eucalyptus branches rasping against the windows of the car, squealing like Tommy’s girl, squealing like the kitten, squealing like Em. I took a deep breath.
I’d get us through this. We’d be great parents.
My hand and her face flashed through my mind and I sped up more, the car was nearly at its limit. I’d told her the last seven times that it was gonna be the last time. I’d told her I loved her. I never wanted to hurt her. But in that moment, as I’d watched her through a sea of red, I’d wanted to kill her.
The drought had taken its toll on our land and livestock and we weren’t making much. I was just stressed. Once the stress passed, I wouldn’t hurt her again.
My tanned, dry knuckles went white on the steering wheel.
I couldn’t do this.
In front of me, I realised where I had gone without thinking. The reservoir. It was coming up fast, and I moved to put my foot on the brake.
But I didn’t.
The car crashed into the murky waters and sunk below, into the deep embrace of the slick silt and critters below. I felt the water begin gushing into the old vehicle, first covering my ankles, then my knees, then my chest. When I was completely submerged, all I heard was the creaking of the car and the gurgle of the water. I looked ahead of me into the black nothingness and I watched.
I watched.